WTF????

WTF?

When our son was three, we had just moved to Vietnam.  He’d been talking for ages and was like a steel trap when it came to words and phrases he’d heard.  Thus, we felt it prudent to dial back the language in his presence.  It’s not that my husband and I have such foul mouths, but in certain situations (i.e. mornings, airports, high holidays) profanity becomes the lingua franca.  So, out of respect for our toddler, the f-bomb was replaced by “effin,” our landlord was an “a-hole,” etc.  We felt quite smug until the day we heard our son’s high-pitched voice in discussion with our Vietnamese maid.

“Miss Mai, are you an effin a-hole?” he asked.

Admittedly, I was more proud of his correctly identifying the adjective and noun than appalled by his question to Miss Mai.  And since, he hadn’t actually sworn, it was more funny than troubling. 

The years passed and eventually, he started school.  Where, of course, he learned what the f-word was (and told his little sister), what the middle finger meant (and told his little sister), and a smattering of playground smack talk. But despite having eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, our kids don’t swear.  This is rather mysterious given that there have been some serious “truck-stop-full-of-angry-longshoreman” mornings in our house.  But lucky us--our kids do as we say, not swear as we swear

Then, a few weeks ago I was picking my kids up from school.  There we were, in the throng of parents and kids waiting for the command to “Point and cross” when our dog’s leash got tangled up in my son’s legs.  As he stumbled forward, he blurted out, “Angus!  Don’t be such a PUSSY!” (The volume of his voice was such that the word “pussy”  seemed to echo at least twice.)  Heads turned.  Eyebrows rose.

Once out of earshot of the crowd, I took a stab at tactfully handling things.

ME: “You know, it’s not good to call Angus that name.”

SON: “What name?”

DAUGHTER: “You called Angus a cat!”

ME: “Well, not exactly.”

SON: “Yes…a pussy is a cat.”

ME: “Where did you hear someone calling someone else a “pussy?”?

SON: “At school.”

ME: “Well, it doesn’t exactly mean ‘cat.’”

DAUGHTER: “Does it mean ‘kitten,’ Mama?”

ME: “Uhhm. No.”

SON: “It does mean cat.  Remember when Dad and Uncle Greg were laughing because they said their grandpa called their cat “puuusssssyyyy”?”

ME: “Well, see, the reason they were laughing about that was…. Okay.  Never mind. The thing is, when you call something or someone a “pussy” it is kind of a bad word.  Not as bad as the F-Word, but pretty close to the SH-word.”

SON/DAUGHTER:  “What?  Why? WHAT DOES IT MEAN??”

ME: “Well, it is kind of a nickname for a girl’s vagina. And calling someone a ‘pussy’ is like calling them a vagina.  So, it’s not very nice.  And you might get in trouble with your teacher if you say it school.  So just don’t.”

The kids knew I meant business because I actually used the word “vagina.”  Usually, we call it a “V” to avoid anyone (mainly the adults in the house) feeling uneasy.  We call the penis a “D”.  I know.  We suck.

Then again, maybe not.  Lately, my son has begun using some alternates for the much-vaunted F-word.  When frustrated, he says, “Feeg!” and when annoyed with anyone, he gives him or her the little finger.

Since I’m nothing, if not a corrector of what I deem to be reproachable behaviour, I told him that even using proxies for the f-word was not good form.  But after a couple days, I reconsidered.  I was now curious as to why he had created this alternate for the f-word?

He told me that a number of his friends always use the actual f-word and middle finger at school and he didn’t want them to get in trouble.  So he devised a substitute.  “And mom,” he excitedly reported, “lots of people say “Feeg” now.  And the girls always give me the little finger!”

All things considered, I think that’s pretty f—king awesome.